I don't normally watch the shows
and I really hate the hamming up of people's back story
I hate the exploitation of vulnerable, innocent kids by the brilliantly talented producers, editors and researchers.
But still I find myself searching for auditions.
And there's a certain few I'll always end up going for.
There's James Arthur
and even little Jai Waetford
my favourite is Lukas McFarlane
Yeah the shows are awful and the judges reactions are so staged but I'm still drawn back to watch these over and over again.
and I know why
It's not that I care whether these people go on to have great careers or not
I don't care how they did in the tv show really - Although I think they all won
but it's about the statement they're making, whether they knew it at the time or not.
It's about an individual standing up and saying
I know who I am and you mightn't believe me or you mightn't even agree with me but I know
and I'm ready
Ready to give it what I've got and see what I get back
For me that's inspiring
I've always loved when people are open and exposed
The risk of people laughing at you or telling your your dreams suck and you don't have the talent to make them come true anyway
That's the most compelling thing in the world for me.
It's almost like putting all your money on one horse to win
with one small difference
you're betting on yourself
Betting that you're good enough
or even that if you're not
that you're strong enough to deal with it.
So that's why I'm drawn to those videos and why they make me cry every time.
The other thing I find exciting is that it's cyclical for me. I don't watch audition videos every day, or every month or even every year.
Sometimes months will go buy and then I'll just get a feeling that I want to watch James Arthur - Well actually I never remember any of the names so I end up trawling through X Factor videos trying to jog my memory.
I can never really tell what's driven me to go looking. But on reflection there are some common threads.
Normally I either can't sleep or I've had a bad nights sleep
It's normally at the end of a really busy time for me when I've been running just to stand still
I've usually been quite frustrated and tense but for no reason
and I've been neglecting the important things
and the final common thread is that it's normally right before my energy comes flooding back.
My dreams come into focus
I know what I can do and I know that I have the ones I need around me.
My brain starts spinning
Work becomes clearer
and magical things happen.
I also tend to write rambling and odd blog posts
This morning I found myself watching X Factor Auditions while my eyes welled up with tears.